Last month, our students practiced identifying and naming their emotions. During September, we are taking the next step with our new school-wide social-emotional skill: managing emotions.

Managing emotions does not mean teaching children to stop crying, never get angry, or remain perfectly calm at all times. Honestly, most adults are still working on that too!

Instead, we want children to learn that every feeling is okay, but not every response is safe or helpful. They can feel disappointed, worried, excited, frustrated, or angry while gradually learning what to do with those feelings.

One of my favorite ideas to share is that two things can be true at the same time. A child can be happy to come to school and play with friends while also missing their caregivers. They can love their baby brother and still feel annoyed when he touches their toys. They can be excited about something new and nervous about it too.

Feelings are complicated, even when you are only three feet tall.

Children Borrow Our Calm

Young children are not born knowing how to calm themselves. First, they learn to do it with the help of a caring and trusted adult. This is sometimes called co-regulation, but it really means that children borrow our calm until they begin to find their own.

Before children can independently take a breath, ask for help, or move to a quiet space, they need adults to practice those skills with them many times. We stay close, speak calmly, help name the feeling, hold a safe boundary, and guide them toward what to do next.

An adult might say:

  • “You are really disappointed. I’m right here with you.”
  • “It is okay to feel angry. I will not let you hit.”
  • “Your body is moving very fast. Let’s slow it down together.”
  • “You really wanted that to work. Let’s take a breath and try again.”
  • “Would you like a hug, some space, or help?”

This is not rewarding difficult behavior or removing expectations. It is simply hard for a child to listen, problem-solve, or make a better choice while their emotions are running the show. We help them settle first, and then we teach.

What This Looks Like at School

We have plenty of chances to practice managing emotions during the school day. A young student’s life is full of very real challenges. Someone else has the favorite truck. It is time to clean up even though the block tower is not finished. A friend sits in the chair you wanted. The teacher says, “Not yet.” Your cracker breaks in half when it was absolutely supposed to remain whole.

These moments may seem small to adults, but they can feel very big to a young child.

Depending on their age and individual needs, students may practice:

  • Taking slow breaths
  • Counting while their bodies calm down
  • Asking an adult for help
  • Using words instead of hurting
  • Moving to a quiet or calming space
  • Squeezing a sensory item
  • Getting a drink of water
  • Taking a movement break
  • Looking at a visual schedule to see what comes next
  • Returning to play or learning after a hard moment

Teachers model these tools through books, songs, pictures, role-play, classroom routines, breathing exercises, and real-life coaching as situations happen.

Our calming spaces are places where children can pause, receive support, and get ready to return to the group.

Calm-Down Tools Need Practice

We sometimes teach a child to take a deep breath and then expect them to remember it in the middle of a full-body meltdown. Unfortunately, that is a little like teaching someone to swim after they have already fallen into the deep end.

The best time to practice calming tools is when everyone is already calm.

Families can make this playful by pretending to smell a flower and blow out a candle, blowing imaginary bubbles, stretching like an animal, counting slowly, or practicing how to ask for a break. The more familiar a strategy feels, the more likely a child is to use it when they actually need it.

Not every tool works for every child. One child may want a hug, while another child needs a little space. Some children respond well to quiet breathing. Others need to jump, stomp, push against a wall, or move their bodies before they are ready to slow down.

Part of managing emotions is helping each child discover what safely works for them.

Mistakes Are Part of the Learning

Children may know a calming strategy and still be unable to use it every time. They may yell, fall to the floor, grab a toy, run away, or completely forget every helpful word they have ever learned.

That does not mean the child is bad, the strategy has failed, or the adults are doing something wrong. Managing emotions is a developing skill, just like using scissors, writing a name, or learning to share. It takes modeling, repetition, patience, and many opportunities to try again.

Once everyone is calm, an adult can help the child think back:

  • “What made that feel so hard?”
  • “What was your body telling you?”
  • “What helped you feel better?”
  • “What could we try next time?”
  • “Is there something we need to fix?”

If someone else was affected, children can also practice making things right. They might check on a friend, return a toy, help rebuild a tower, offer an apology, or try the interaction again using kinder words.

The goal is not to make children feel ashamed about a mistake. The goal is to teach them that mistakes can be repaired and that they always have another chance to practice.

Ways to Practice at Home

You do not need a special lesson or a color-coded emotional regulation program at home. These skills can be practiced during ordinary family life.

Practice Before the Big Feelings Arrive

Choose one or two simple calming tools and practice them when your child is content. Too many choices can feel overwhelming when a child is already upset.

Keep the Steps Simple

You can use the same basic plan each time:

  1. Stop and stay safe.
  2. Name the feeling.
  3. Choose something that helps.
  4. Solve the problem when everyone is ready.

Offer Small Choices

Try asking, “Would you like to take breaths with me or sit quietly beside me?” A small choice gives children some control without changing the boundary.

Let Them See You Reset

Children learn a great deal from watching us. You might say, “I am starting to feel frustrated, so I am going to pause before I answer.”

They also learn from seeing us make mistakes and repair them. Saying, “I used a louder voice than I should have. I’m sorry. Let me try that again,” shows children that managing emotions is something adults practice too.

Accept the Feeling and Hold the Boundary

You can welcome the emotion without allowing unsafe behavior:

“You may be angry, but you may not throw the truck. You can set it down or hand it to me.”

“It is okay to be disappointed. The answer is still no.”

Both things can be true. The child’s feeling is real, and the boundary can remain firm.

Reconnect Afterward

After a difficult moment, offer comfort and connection. A hug, a quick cuddle, a shared book, or a simple “We’re okay” reminds children that having a hard time does not change their place in the family.

Big Feelings and Our School Community

Learning to manage emotions helps more than one child. It helps create a classroom where children feel safe, recover from disagreements, solve problems, and continue learning together.

A child who pauses before hitting is learning to protect others. A child who asks for space is learning to communicate a need. A child who notices that a friend is overwhelmed is beginning to practice empathy. A child who repairs a mistake is learning that their actions affect the people around them.

These early lessons help children become caring classmates, friends, family members, and community members.

At Home For Your Heart School, we are not trying to create perfectly calm children. That would be an especially ambitious goal before snack time. We are helping children understand that big feelings are manageable, mistakes can be repaired, and caring adults will help them practice until they can use these skills more independently.

Books to Share

  • Calm Down Time by Elizabeth Verdick
  • Little Monkey Calms Down by Michael Dahl
  • When Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angry… by Molly Bang
  • Breathe Like a Bear by Kira Willey
  • Anh’s Anger by Gail Silver
  • The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld
  • Sometimes I’m Bombaloo by Rachel Vail
  • I Am Peace: A Book of Mindfulness by Susan Verde
  • The Pigeon Has Feelings, Too! by Mo Willems
  • A Little Spot of Anger by Diane Alber

Helpful Resources for Families

When school and home use similar language, children hear an important message: All feelings are welcome, safe choices can be learned, and caring people help one another through hard moments.